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University of Nebraska at Lincoln - Department of Psychology
Family Development Project
TIPS FOR A HEALTHY FAMILY
the platinum rule for supporting your partner
At times, life can be stressful. We all face problems now and again that make us feel distressed, overwhelmed, or confused about how to handle what is going on in our lives. Research shows that your partner can be a huge asset during these difficult times.
A few examples of times when you or your partner might desire support include when:
you’ve had a bad day or are in a bad mood
​you are going through a particularly stressful time
​you are working toward a personal goal (e.g., trying to quit smoking, trying to exercise more, trying to find a new job)
​you are having a problem with another person (e.g., a coworker, your boss, a family member, a friend)
TIP 1: Follow the "Platinum Rule": Do unto others as they would have you to do unto them.
TIP 2: When you would like your partner to be supportive… don’t forget to ASK.
Rather than assuming that your partner would like to receive the kind of support you prefer (e.g., advice), ask your partner what kind of support he or she would like. For example, your partner may prefer that you listen to him/her “vent” about a problem without providing any feedback. Or perhaps your partner prefers to be left alone for a while when coping with a problem. Ask your partner what type of support would work best. After you have provided support, have another conversation about how that worked for your partner and, next time, adjust accordingly.
Our research has found 4 primary ways that partners can support one another. A few examples include...
esteem/emotional support: expressing confidence in your partner’s ability to handle a difficult situation, listening to your partner talk about how he/she feels about a problem
physical comfort: providing physical acts of comfort such as holding your partner’s hand or giving him or her a hug
informational support: sharing knowledge or insight, giving your partner advice or guidance about how to solve a problem
tangible support: taking care of the problem for your partner or taking on other responsibilities so that your partner has more time to deal with the problem
Don’t assume that your partner will always be able to tell when you need support or how best to support you when you are stressed. Tell your partner when and how you would like to be supported in a given situation.
TIP 1: Try to understand your partner’s point of view.
Top 10 worst things to do when you are fighting with your partner:
Threaten to leave your partner.
Destroy your partner’s property.
Stop your partner from leaving the room by blocking his or her way.
Read your partner’s email or check his or her cell phone.
Push, grab, shove, or slap your partner.
Put down or criticize your partner. For example, calling your partner fat or stupid.
Withhold physical affection or sex from your partner.
Argue when you have been drinking or doing drugs.
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Refuse to talk to your partner out of spite or anger.
Say hurtful things or criticize your partner in public.
Understanding where your partner is coming from doesn’t mean that you agree with that viewpoint. It does mean that your partner may be more willing to listen to what you have to say. If you can understand one another’s positions about an issue, you may be more successful at finding middle ground and reaching a compromise.
TIP 2: Take a time out.
If you notice that your feelings are getting the best of you during an argument (for example - you are too angry to have an effective conversation), tell your partner that you need to take a time out. Clearly establish how long the time out will last and then remove yourself from the room. Once you are calm enough to discuss the problem, return to the room and resume the conversation.
Every couple disagrees from time to time. It’s impossible for two different people to always see eye to eye. Sometimes, a difference of opinion is not easily resolved and can develop into an argument. When couples fight, they may say or do things that can lead to hurt feelings or tension. Further, it can take some time for things to get back to normal in a relationship after an argument. Fortunately, there are certain things that you can keep in mind when you are having a disagreement with your partner that can protect your relationship.
improving communication and problem-solving in your family
adjusting to parenthood: skills to keep your relationship strong
Millions of couples undergo the transition to parenthood each year. Couples expecting the birth of their first child typically anticipate this event with enthusiasm and excitement, but also some apprehension. The experience can be challenging, even for families who have already gone through this transition in the past.
Here are a few things that we have learned from our research about the transition to parenthood:
It's important to keep an open line of communication. It's okay to feel nervous or overwhelmed at times. Talking to each other about your fears and concerns is important for helping each other through the transition.
After having your first child, your relationship goes through a rocky period. You are getting very little sleep, you are putting all of your energy into taking care of your new baby, you are under a lot of stress, and you are changing from a family of two to a family of three (or more). Sex gets put on the back burner, as does time for yourselves as individuals and as a couple.
The good news is that most couples go back to having a happy, fulfilling relationship when the baby is 12-18 mos. old.
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TIP 1: Be prepared and informed.
Having realistic expectations about what to expect as a new parent can help prevent decline in relationship satisfaction following childbirth. Read parenting books, talk to family or friends who have children, etc.
TIP 2: Remember that the stressful time following childbirth is temporary.
Things will get better after your child turns 1. Reminding yourself that this stressful time will pass can make it easier to handle.
TIP 3: Take time for yourself
as individuals and as a couple.
Plan date nights, take a yoga class once a week, go for a walk, etc. Make time for the activities you enjoy and for activities that help you to feel closer to your partner.
TIP 4: Ask for help.
Social support is incredibly important for surviving the first year after having a baby. Being willing to ask for help and receive assistance from family and friends can help you as individuals and as a couple. For example, if a friend offers to babysit so you can have an evening alone with your partner, take your friend up on the offer.